|
Martin
|
How did you? Get out! Get out! Out!
|
Martin
|
Don't let the dog in! Thank you.
|
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
|
Sorry, I cannot tolerate imbeciles.
Elaine, when we agreed that you'd start at 8:30, you did understand I meant A.M.?
Buying biscuits in the supermarket, yeah? And this bimbo wouldn’t let me through on six items or less. All baps up to
here and them stick-on nails, she was. She goes, wait for it, "Sorry. Six items or less."
And you had?
Twenty. But all the same. D'ya see? Put the receipt in petty cash.
Well, hang on. All these biscuits are for the surgery?
Patient.
Elaine, are you gonna let them in?
I'm busy.
Elaine! Just do it!
|
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
|
Mrs Walker.
Marianne, please. Am I your first official patient?
Ah, indeed you are, yes. Collect a thousand loyalty points, you get a free coffin.
|
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mars Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
Mrs Walker
Martin
|
What can we do for you?
I keep getting headaches, on and off.
Really? How long has that been going on for?
I suppose all my life.
And now they're worse? More intense?
No, not specially.
More frequent then.
No, not really.
So, today the problem is?
I just thought you should know.
Consider me informed.
You haven't thought of um, redecorating when you were doing all of this?
Mrs Walker, do you have a medical problem?
Indigestion. But that's much better since I discovered aloe vera. That was one of your Aunt Joan's tips as a point of
fact.
Good.
Have you tried aloe vera?
I do have other patients to see.
Do you suffer from wind?
Mrs Walker. I'm only too happy to see you when you actually have something wrong with you.
Are you saying...But I haven't even had a cup of tea.
Tea?
Yes.
Try a cafe.
Well, I must say!
I'll make a note of it.
|
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
|
You've had some repeat prescriptions.
No, I want to see the patients before I sign any repeat prescript… Elaine. You DO check prescriptions before printing
them, don't you?
Yes.
Right, well, we seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.
Look, I can't be expected to work your system.
Oh, that'll be the system whereby we don't kill the patients by prescribing the wrong medication, would it? It's your job.
No. It is YOUR job to check before you sign.
|
Eddie
Martin
Eddie
Martin
Eddie
Martin
Eddie
Martin
Eddie
Martin
Eddie
Martin
Eddie
|
It's the wife.
Well, bring her in. I'll have a look at her.
Oh, I can't do that. Never liked doctors. Not her cup of tea.
"Tea" being the operative word. What are her symptoms?
Oh, you name it. Blood pressure. Thyroid.
Well then, I do need to see her.
Bones brittle as twigs.
Osteoporosis. Well, if she can't make it into the surgery, then I can arrange for a home visit.
Well, it's a bit late now. She's been dead nigh on 12 months.
How are you coping on your own Andy?
Eddie. I'm not on me own. I talk to her every day. Told her I was coming to see the new surgery. Now I can tell her all
about it.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Fresh cup of tea?
|
Mrs Black
Martin
Mrs Black
Martin
Mrs Black
|
You'll be looking for a partner.
No, I'll be wanting a patient.
I've made many a match in Portwenn. So far I've had four weddings. No funerals. And quite a lot of babies.
Mrs Black. Do you have medical reason whatsoever to be…
Are you a leg or a breast man? Because if it's the breast you're after, and she's a Scotch Pancake, there's plenty
could be done. Chicken fillets.
|
Martin
|
Right. Attention everyone. Listen up! If there's anyone who hasn't come to gawp, drink tea, or otherwise waste my
time, please put your hand up. Anyone at all got a genuine medical problem? Thank you. Goodbye. Put your teacups
down and leave.
|
Roger
Martin
|
You won't last five minutes. You know that, don't you?
Wait a minute. Do you have a problem with your throat?
|
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
|
You think if you're professional, they'll appreciate you. They won't.
Could you breathe in and hold your breath please? And again. How long have you been hoarse?
25 years, shouting at ungrateful pupils.
Open. Hmmm.
What's with the full MOT? Just give me something for the throat and I'll be on my way.
Why don't we let the doctor do his work Mr Fenn?
"We." Oh, I do love the medical profession. A grammar all its own.
You have a lump in your neck.
Had it since I was a boy.
I don't think so. I'm gonna refer you. There'll be a biopsy and we'll take it from there.
A referral. Great. Otherwise known as "covering the arse."
No. Otherwise known as "providing specialist treatment."
Nobody makes it their business to know anything these days, have you noticed? It's always passing the buck.
In cases like this, it's quite appropriate to make further investigations before giving a diagnosis.
So, you're not giving me anything for my throat?
Nope. And I'm not giving you anything for the chip on your shoulder either, I'm afraid.
Great. Now who's having their time wasted? You can stuff your referral.
|
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
|
Right. So the message is there's a sick child somewhere, but you didn't get the telephone number, let alone the boy's
name. I suppose we could always get the name from the obituary, couldn't we?
Right. Well, maybe… Look…
No, you look Elaine. For a new job.
What? Just because I ...
Because you are the most incompetent person it has ever been my misfortune to encounter. And that incompetence
could very well end up costing someone their life. You're fired.
|
Bruce
Martin
Bruce
Martin
Bruce
Martin
|
Hello. You must be Doc Martin. I'm Bruce. Elaine's dad. Just come to say hello.
Hello.
We know it's late notice, but Carmen and I want to invite you to our wedding. On Saturday.
Right. Whatever.
As a thank you. For looking after my daughter. Is she in?
Not for much longer. I just fired her.
|
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
|
So, is this another patient that you've chased away from your surgery?
What? Oh, your friend Roger Fenn. God, that was quick.
Roger? I haven't seen him in ages. Roger was forced to take early retirement. He thinks I took his job. Well, I did take
his job. So, no, we're not exactly friends. It wasn't him. So it must have been one of the 30 other patients that you
unceremoniously dispatched.
For the record, I did not dispatch any patients. I dispatched people who seem to think that "surgery" is another word for
"cafe".
Being the doctor here is more than just handing our pills.
Yes, handing out biscuits as well.
You always have a line, don't you? It's like every conversation's a competition, and you have to win it. It's so...male.
Thank you.
|
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
|
This is Miss Glasson from the school Mrs Richards. I'm just checking on Bobby. Oh dear. I'm sure the doctor will. He's..
Mrs Richards. It's Dr Ellingham here. Yep. Is his temperature still elevated? Right. I'm on my way. What's the
address? Yep. Yep. Okay. I'll be with you in 15 minutes.
Half an hour.
30 minutes. Bye. Do you know where the, um...
Map.
Thanks.
|
Martin
|
Well now, Bobby. You've got everybody in a bit of a pickle, haven’t you? Let's have a look at you. Oh yes. This, a…
This leg'll have to come off. Oh, don’t worry. Modern anesthetics. You won't feel a thing. Just kidding. Don't look so
upset.
|
Mrs Richards
Lorna
Martin
Mrs Richards
Martin
Lorna
Martin
|
You sacked Elaine Denham?
For no good reason. Tosser.
Shouldn't you be giggling outside my house?
They say Elaine's a good girl.
Yeah, I'm sure they do.
Well, maybe up in London you can mess people around like that.
Yes, as often as we can.
|
Martin
Jade
Martin
Jade
Martin
Jade
Martin
|
Ah, excuse me.
Yes.
I'll have a glass on mineral water and the pasta, please.
It's finished.
Oh, what's the soup?
Finished.
I'll have the chili con carne then. I guess you're a friend of Elaine's, aren't you? Yes. Right. I get it.
|
Martin
Pamela
Martin
Pamela
Driver
Pamela
Driver
Martin
Driver
Martin
Driver
Pamela
Martin
Pamela
Martin
Pamela
|
Look, um… Pamela. We both know what's going on here. But if you let me have some petrol, I won't tell anyone.
Sorry.
I get it, okay? But no one's looking.
Are you deaf?
Number three please.
Twenty five pound fifty, please.
And this.
Okay. Let me paint you a little picture. It's snowing outside. You're about to give birth to your fifth child in three years.
Your water's broke, you're frightened and you're lonely because your boyfriend's rotting in Borstal. You call good old
Dr Ellingham, the only man in a hundred miles who can help you. And I say, "I'm sorry. I don't do births."
You alright, mate?
No, I bloody well am not.
Ah, you must be Doc Martin.
It's empty.
Then what's he just put in his car, horse urine? And no, I'm sorry, you can't have this Mars bar. Not unless you give
Elaine her job back, because, God forbid, you should upset the village of the damned.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY PETROL!
THEN WHAT'S HE JUST PUT IN HIS TANK?
DIESEL!
|
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
|
What is it with you people?
You driving with your eyes closed?
Mr Fenn.
I might have known. Oh great. Look at this.
I was on my way to see you, actually.
Well you can forget it. I got myself some cough medicine from the chemist.
You didn't want to be referred so I thought I'd give you my opinion.
I didn't want your opinion either, I wanted some medicine, which I have now got. So why don;t you just go and drive into
somebody else?
Mr Fenn! There is a high probability that you have a cancer of the larynx! You'll need surgery, and you may well lose
your voice, which has a certain appeal! You may not care about this, but unfortunately, I'm paid to. I'll arrange for a
referral.
|
Martin
|
Well, I'd say it was a carcinoma of the larynx. Because I'm a doctor, he's a smoker with a lump in his neck. Would you
like the tumor to write to you?
|
Carmen
Bruce
Martin
|
What is your dog doing?
Ah, um. Your dog. He has been done, hasn't he?
It's not my dog.
|
Mark
Martin
Mark
|
Hello. Fancy a drink?
Um, no thanks. Don’t want to get tar and feathers on my jacket.
The wrath of Elaine?
|
Roger
|
Are you lost or looking for children to frighten?
|
Martin
Roger
|
I've booked you in for surgery next Friday. The 13th, actually.
Perfect.
|
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
|
Got more in the van. Where do you want it?
I didn't order this.
You Ellingham?
The person who ordered this no longer works here. You can take it away again please.
Oh, I can’t do that.
Yes you can. You've got a van.
I can't take it away until you accept delivery.
What?
You can't return something until you've accepted it, can you?
I see.
It's not rocket science. You accept delivery, then you get a returns number. Then you arrange a time to have your
package or packages picked up. Then I come back and collect 'em.
You do?
Yeah.
Well, why don't you just take it now?
|
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
Courier
Martin
|
That took awhile.
What?
Poor urine flow. Any discomfort?
You what?
Have you had your prostate checked?
What?
It might be enlarged. I should have a look at it for you.
What? Up the…?
Won't take a minute.
|
Martin
Bobby
Martin
Bobby
Martin
Bobby
|
Bobby. Feeling better?
I don’t like you.
That's alright because I, um, like you.
You were mean to Elaine. My sisters say you're the w-word, the t-word, the p-word and the z-word.
What's the z-word?
It's a word.
|
Martin
|
Right. This is your new owner and this is your new home, which is a farm, which dogs are supposed to enjoy. So
bugger off and leave me alone.
|
Aunt Joan
Martin
Aunt Joan
Martin
Aunt Joan
Martin
Aunt Joan
Martin
Aunt Joan
|
All I'm saying is that it isn’t exactly politic to sack a perfectly good receptionist.
Perfectly good? She made appointments before I'd even opened. She printed up prescriptions that were so inaccurate
as to be potentially lethal.
Well, surely you checked them.
I had to go to the school to trace a child with suspected appendicitis because she couldn't be relied on to take down a
phone number. It was pure luck...
That that boy had a sore throat. Bobby Richards. Oh, come on Marty.
But Elaine wasn't to know that.
Well, so she made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.
Yes, but she can;t admit them! She's got this thing where you pick her up on something and she comes right back at
you with a complaint!
And when you make a mistake, you roll over and let them tickle your tum?
|
Martin
Elaine
Martin
|
Elaine. What's happened to you?
It's tan.
It's orange.
|
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaie
Martin
Elaine
|
How long you going for?
A month...two.
You'll miss your father's wedding.
Diddums. You got cash?
I think it would mean a lot to him.
So? Why do I have to make him feel good about his decision? I don't feel good about it. Don't know what he sees in
her. What is it with men and big baps? It's offensive.
Elaine....Were you very young when your mum died? I mean, I think, you know, people will, uh, will understand how
hard that must have been. And difficult for you to, to mo.. to move on and see your father, uh, move on, whoever the
woman was. I suppose I could have been more understanding.
Get paid for that in London, do you? Look. I don't mind him having a woman. Just not one with a bloody dog in her
handbag.
|
Aunt Joan
Louisa
Aunt Joan
Louisa
Aunt Joan
Louisa
Aunt Joan
Louisa
Aunt Joan
Louisa
Aunt Joan
|
Oh, Louisa. Have you seen Martin?
No, sorry. On my way to see Roger Fenn in the hospital. He's having his main op today, so excuse me.
Now, maybe that's where Martin is. Look, if you see him, can you tell him that his dog seems to have decided not to
play "Spot on the farm"?
Actually, Joan, I gather Martin hasn't been by or near the hospital.
Oh, yes, yes. I heard that he and Roger didn't hit it off.
I'm not very impressed to be honest.
Well, Roger is a very difficult man, as you well know.
He's got cancer. He needs some sort of care. It's not as if Martin's got any other patients to worry about.
If you're annoyed with Martin, I suggest you take it up with him.
He's YOUR nephew.
Weren't you on the committee that appointed him?
|
Louisa
Roger
Louisa
Roger
Louisa
Roger
Louisa
|
So…did the, uh, surgeons say exactly what they were going to do today?
I don’t know. This guy makes Ellingham look like Florence Nightingale.
Still no sign of Martin.
Why does that bother you so much? Why would I want to see him anyway?
Because maybe he could tell you what was going on.
Oh, I'll tell you what's going on. I've been pushed out of my job an inch before I qualify for a pension. And minutes
before I am about to lose my voice forever, I find myself having to chat with the woman who replaced me.
Roger...I'm so sorry.
|
Martin
Receptionist
Martin
Receptionist
Martin
Receptionist
Martin
Receptionist
Martin
Receptionist
Martin
|
ENT please.
Down the glass corridor, second floor.
There are my keys. I'm parked in Mr Brownlow's spot.
And you are?
Dr Martin Ellingham, Portwenn.
You're a GP?
Uh, that's right, yes. And you're a receptionist.
Excuse me. Come back here. You can't park in the staff car park.
I've a patient to see.
Is it me, or do you not understand plain English?
It's you.
|
Adrian
Martin
Adrian
Martin
Adrian
Martin
Adrian
Junior Doctor
Adrian
|
Martin? Martin. Adrian. Adrian Pitts.
Oh yes.
The great Martin Ellingham, who, as you all know, abused myself and others at St Mary's. Buggered us senseless, but
taught us a thing or two about medicine. So, what brings you here chief? Knifing a bigwig?
No, actually I've given up surgery.
You're kidding.
I've got a patient to see.
Yeah, of course.
I heard he couldn't hack it.
I'll tell you about that.
|
Junior Doctor
Martin
|
Here, let me do that for you, Mr Ellingham. I read you on blocked carotids.
Don't suck up.
|
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
|
The surgeon been in yet?
Yeah. And I thought YOU were a smug bastard. God. I'm gonna miss swearing.
Not necessarily. If the squamous cells haven't spread, there's a good chance the voice can be saved.
Yeah, yeah. He said that. Same choice of words too. "The voice." It's not "The voice."
Sorry. Your voice.
|
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
|
Are you alright? You're a funny color.
I'm fine.
I've got cancer, but you look worse. Whatever.
I, um…sometimes have a heightened emotional reaction to certain events.
Which is medical speak for?
Panic attacks. I sometimes have small panic attacks.
What kind of panic attacks?
Uh...nausea, sweating, chest pain.
What brings them on?
Smells. The smell of cauterized flesh. And blood. The smell of that, sometimes just the sight of it. I used to have the
Midas touch, you know. I couldn't look at a body on the operating table without fixing it, really. Then one day, in the
middle of the most mundane procedure, another set of arteries laid out in front of me, it suddenly dawned on me, for
the first time, that, uh, this was somebody's wife, somebody's mother, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't go on. Like I was
on a high wire and made the mistake of looking down. I haven't operated since. So now I'm your GP.
You probably want to keep that quiet.
Yeah, I wouldn't want the village to fall out of love with me.
Your secret's safe with me.
Well, it's not like you're gonna be able to tell anyone anyway, is it?
|
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
Roger
Martin
|
Any family in?
Grown up daughter. Decided not to call her. She stopped needing me a long time ago. She has a TV set all of her
own.
Ah!
How about you?
No. Only child.
Parents dead?
No. Retired. Portugal. Golf.
Nice.
Vile. We don't speak.
You are a miserable bugger.
Thank you.
|
Bruce
Martin
Bruce
Martin
Bruce
Martin
Bruce
Martin
|
Doc. Glad you came.
You heard form Elaine?
Not even a postcard. Well…
But how are you?
Been sick twice. My heart's beating 300 times a minute.
Perfectly normal, I understand.
Well, wish me luck.
Yep.
|
Martin
|
Louisa. You're looking…straight through me.
|
Martin
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
|
Have I done something to offend you?
It's what you haven't done.
Well, that narrows it down a bit.
I can't believe you didn't visit Fenn in the hospital. He didn't have a clue what was going on.
What in God's name are you going on about?
|
Martin
Louisa
Martin
Louisa
Martin
Roger
Louisa
Roger
Martin
Louisa
Martin
|
Fenn. Good to see you.
Don't you think it's a little bit late for the concerned routine?
Pardon?
When you have precisely one patient. I'd have thought you'd want to visit him in the hospital.
Hang on.
You…
No Roger. Don't try to speak.
He did come to see me. Impressed the hell out of me.
It was mutual.
Right. Well you could have told me.
Well I tried, but that woman shushed me.
|
Roger
Martin
|
Can I, uh, come and talk to you about the chemo…
Shh, shh, shh, shh. Rest that voice. I'll see if I can squeeze you in.
|
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Bruce
Martin
Bruce
|
Good wedding.
You was right. Yeah. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride and do the right thing.
Yes.
And I think the right thing would be for me to come back to the surgery.
Right. Well, we'd need to establish a few ground rules first. Your attention to detail, use of the phone. That sort of thing.
I agree.
Do you?
Yeah.
Well, you can have your job back then.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Everything all right?
Oh, good news. Yes, Elaine's coming back to the surgery.
Oh, that, that is marvelous!
|
Martin
Elaine
Martin
Elaine
|
So I'll see you Monday, 8:30 then.
No, that's one of MY ground rules.
You have ground rules?
Yeah. I've written them down. Uh, one, I'm not made to feel responsible for your mistakes. Two, I'm free to use the
phone whenever. And three, I start at nine, not half eight. There are a few more, but you can read 'em later.
|
